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time to move on [26 Jun 2009|07:42am]
vintage_raygun est moi.

add it. if i didn't add you already.
pleeeeease. & thank you.
1 explosion, firework, and tchaikovsky crescendo|the only verdict is vengeance...

hrmmrm [02 Mar 2009|09:02pm]
[ mood | green and sour ]

does anyone even frequent livejournal anymore?


clap your hands and say yeah...?

not that it matters, i know the point it to rant cryptic nonsense to no one in particular.

i may make a new one.

3 explosions, fireworks, and tchaikovsky crescendos|the only verdict is vengeance...

argh! [10 Aug 2007|08:58pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

my brain is:


1 explosion, firework, and tchaikovsky crescendo|the only verdict is vengeance...

[09 Aug 2007|01:29pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

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ya know, postsecret sums up my feelings at the moment pretty well.
3 explosions, fireworks, and tchaikovsky crescendos|the only verdict is vengeance...

[23 Jul 2007|10:57pm]
[ mood | mybrainisnofriendofminetoday ]

am i the only chump who gets these awful upwellings of sorrow and lonliness, simultaneously with surges of notquitebutcouldpossiblybe[someday]maybe?love?whoknows?confuddlement...?

where you just feel heavy, sad feelings, and there's a specific person you would want to wrap around you so tightly, that you couldn't help but feel better, and protected. and the fact that they're not there to do so, makes you well up into more of a little melancholy puddle?

am i the only chump who that happens to? most likely.

3 explosions, fireworks, and tchaikovsky crescendos|the only verdict is vengeance...

sous la pluie [20 Jul 2007|01:10am]
[ mood | giddy ]

yesterday was quite the day for enamournedness.
with a boy, with the weather, with the day's travels, and the day's rests.

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lazy afternoons are no better spent by one of us wrapped around the other, laughing, kissing, or dozing off.

when we parted, it began to rain. like the sky was crying for the departure.

"and when the rain began to pound i lifted up my head until i was soaked with the ache of the sky."

it was the beautiful kind of rain. heavy and cold, when the air is thick and warm. i got on the train to go from north to south. when i got home, it had just arrived, almost as if it had tagged along after me.

rain, especially in the thunderstorm variety, is quite up there on my list of aphrodesiacs.
"the sun's in my heart, and i'm ready for love"

after walking up and down the street-lamp lit block once or twice, completley soaked down to the bones, i decided to stand on the porch and watch the lightning. it must have ignited some buried ferocity, where i was compelled to lift my arms up, face the sky and scream. as i did, the thunder crashed and a huge lightning bolt not even 300 feet away illuminated the street, as if i were playing the villian in a cheesey cartoon. however, instead of reacting to this in a bad-ass, villian like manner, calm and collect, as if i caused the chaos to happen, i yelled and and made a dash into the house, quite startled.

oh how you gotta love insane weather.

things i also love: live musical performances by slightly insane in the cutest of ways artists, and movies you've seen a billion times, but only this time, en français.

"À quel point la vestal est-elle comblée par le sort? Le monde oubliant par le monde oublié. Soleil éternel de l'espirit dégagé. Chaque priére acceptée, et chaque vœu résigné."

all in all, a grand three days off.

post script-

2 days! people who spoil it will be shot on sight.

5 explosions, fireworks, and tchaikovsky crescendos|the only verdict is vengeance...

how disconnected i can feel on the ground [15 Jul 2007|09:44pm]
[ mood | distressed ]


i cry. and worry. i fuuuurrrreeeeak out [internally].

i'm oh so very easily attatched. like a lego.

'whatdidido?' on a staticy loop in my brain, occasionally coming out of my mouth.

then, a previous voice from a previous conversation pops up. the answer to the above question, in a previous situation. "no, it was nothing you did at all, but..." suffice it to say without my doing, the situation still weren't in my favor.


it could be nothing
[but me being neurotic]
let us hope. by us i mean me of course.

memo to self: breathe, fool!

go go gadget crypticblahblahshit.

3 explosions, fireworks, and tchaikovsky crescendos|the only verdict is vengeance...

i gotta get out of this place, i'll go runnin' in outer space [29 May 2007|12:15am]
[ mood | chipper ]

so, yeah. i'm eighteen as of 15 minutes ago.

i'm excited.

and happy.
life is good latley.

more updates will come later, as i need some sleep now.


4 explosions, fireworks, and tchaikovsky crescendos|the only verdict is vengeance...

well, it seems that the only verdict really is vengeance... [07 Oct 2006|07:03pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

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6 explosions, fireworks, and tchaikovsky crescendos|the only verdict is vengeance...

::sigh:: [23 Sep 2006|08:26pm]
[ mood | happy (yes, i really said it) ]

its the simple things in life you treasure...

like picnics, and tea parties (complete with cucumber sandwiches), and buying pads and artificially-and-naturally-flavoured-salty-"sustinence" at the same time so the lady ringing you up totally knows you're on the rag, and crying with your best friend while watching movies, and walking through the woods forest preserve in silence, and playing in puddles in the rain, and life lessons recieved via telephone call, and hearing someones heart beat, and pillow fights, and how the feeling of your fingers interlocked with someone elses while spooning is the ultimate feeling of security, and you coworker buying you a pepsi just for walking with them, and screaming along with all-american rejects lyrics, and body heat (the cuddling kind for those of you with wandering minds, and that fluttery butterfly feeling in your chest, and first kisses, and feeling cared about/liked/loved/etc...

so in case you couldn't tell, im pretty content. i feel kinda bad making such a happy entry when most of the entries from people on my friend's list are all unhappy, but its not wrong to express happiness is it? i hope not.

i'm probably gonna get an appointment to get STD testing/birth control perscriptions soon. when did i all of a sudden grow up?

3 explosions, fireworks, and tchaikovsky crescendos|the only verdict is vengeance...

to be single again... [06 Sep 2006|01:23am]
[ mood | what is this???? ]

so i should probably be proud of myself... i finally did what i had to do.

but apparently its not so easy to feel good about yourself when you discover all you really are in actuality is a name next to a checkbox connected to a "delete" button.

no good at all.

5 explosions, fireworks, and tchaikovsky crescendos|the only verdict is vengeance...

i'm so, i'm so, i'm so hollow... [02 Sep 2006|01:10am]
[ mood | broken ]

"help, i have done it again..."

i'm curled up in the fetal position in the bath listening to "you're beautiful" by james blunt and not being able to cry, but feeling the water running off my hair and down my cheeks. faux-tears. the illusion of emotional release.

"i have been here many times before..."

before i put my clothes on i sit down on the edge of the sink and look at my chest. all pink, splotchy, and damp. my heart is beating so fast and hard that from my chest down to my bellybutton is like someone is beating on it with a hammer from the inside. like a timebomb. ironically, the bubble bath i used was that silly baby bath thats [allegedly] good at relaxing you and calming you down.

"i hurt myself again today..."

i threw on some pajamas and half assedly combed my limp hair after only half drying off. then i stared into the mirror for the entire duration of "you were meant for me" by jewel. just stared into the eyes that were looking back. one red from getting splashed with soap-water. to say the least i looked like a fucking train wreck. there was still a droplet of water right above my jawline, like it followed the path of a tear. maybe it was mocking me. "you should be crying, but ya cant! ha ha!" i brushed it away, probably in some sort of defiance.

"and the worst part is there's no one else to blame..."

conclusion: don't listen to depressing mix cd's in the bath?

this needs to fucking stop.

4 explosions, fireworks, and tchaikovsky crescendos|the only verdict is vengeance...

17 [29 May 2006|12:20am]
[ mood | chipper ]

age of consent bitchezzz!

17 explosions, fireworks, and tchaikovsky crescendos|the only verdict is vengeance...

laceration of the dreedlawks. [27 Apr 2006|01:59pm]
[ mood | full ]


before: (i had to put this in for the sheer sillyness of it all
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Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

14 explosions, fireworks, and tchaikovsky crescendos|the only verdict is vengeance...

if you're going to san fransisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair... [24 Apr 2006|02:40pm]
[ mood | content ]

i heart california.

its so beautiful here. you see mountains everywhere you go. the other day my uncle was driving my cousins to their little league softball game and we drove through napa where all the wine vinyards are, and on either side of the road there were rows and rows of grape vines. there were no grapes, but the little tiny trunks of the vines are so pretty, even without the grapes. my uncle was going to take me out on his motorcycle, but his foot is fucked up and he cant. damn. oh well, theres always next year.

i love it here so much. i love the house they live in. even though its kind of a part of a development, and every street has the name of a duck. this streets name is by far the best: "bufflehead". so great. i wish i lived on bufflehead street. my little cousins are all so cute. they always want to play, or to cuddle, or to watch movies or something. theyre not boring like my cousins next door, who just veg out all day watching the disney channel. my uncle is by far one of my favorite family members ever. he kind of reminds me of myself. if you just listened to the way he talks, you would assume hes mean. but hes really not. when he talks about his kids, its the cutest thing. how aozora can kick any boy who's twice her size ass in judo, how tsukiko makes blueprints for inventions like chicken launchers, or how little micheal says "daddy, i dont think i believe in santa, the easter bunny, or god, cause i aint seen one of 'em" (hes 6) my uncle can be harsh, but hes really cool, and funny. my aunt is great too. shes from japan, and makes the best japanese food on the planet. and she always makes sure theres no meat or anything in mine. shes really quiet, but when she does say something its usually really sweet and cute. they also have a bunch of pets. a dog, 3 cats, a parrot that can meow, and each of the kids have their own hamster. and they live about 5 minutes away from a six flags, which we went to yesterday. aozora (whos only 10) decided to go on all the big kid roller coaster rides with me. she was so scared, but as soon as the rides ended she yelled "LETS DO IT AGAIN!" and i told her i wouldnt tell her mom or dad if she swore on the rides, and she did, but she knows not to do it anymore. shes not at my level of cursing yet ;).

if i didnt have such awesome friends in chicago and there was no such thing as pizza cut in squares, and other chicago-esque stuff, id really love living here with them. the only downside (besides the ones stated above) is that theres no good public transportation here. and its in the middle of nowhere, but its in the pretty middle of nowhere. and its nice out all the time, the worse that happens is that it rains, and i like rain.

ill be sad to go home tomorrow. i feel really happy here, it helps me get over my dumb worries about work and any heartbreak i was feeling. and it sucks that i only get to see my favorite family only once a year... maybe now that i have a job i can save for a plane ticket out here later in the year...

i dont see how jack terricloth can hate california. its the love of my life.

p.s. the dreadlocks have been officially snipped. RIP. now i have this funky fauxhawk thing. pictures will be posted when i have access to a camera.

16 explosions, fireworks, and tchaikovsky crescendos|the only verdict is vengeance...

wow [09 Apr 2006|10:23pm]
[ mood | crushed (who woulda guessed?) ]

so this is why they call them "crushes"

more like someone fucking stomped on your chest and completely deflated your heart.

10 explosions, fireworks, and tchaikovsky crescendos|the only verdict is vengeance...

hello, is there anybody in there? just nod if you can hear me... [25 Mar 2006|09:35pm]
[ mood | clouded ]

this is the point where i tear down any walls ive built up around me, collapse to my knees, and say "yes, i do need rescuing"

p.s. the dar/ani cover of comfortably numb is mesmerizing.

19 explosions, fireworks, and tchaikovsky crescendos|the only verdict is vengeance...

do it bitches [11 Mar 2006|06:17pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Ask me a question about each of the following:

1. Friends.
2. Sex.
3. Music.
4. My childhood.
5. Love
6. Drugs

No matter how rude, sexual, or confidential.
Then post this in your journal and see what questions you get asked! (unless you want to)

this is proof of my boredom, just do it to make me happy.

9 explosions, fireworks, and tchaikovsky crescendos|the only verdict is vengeance...

bored, bored, bored [10 Feb 2006|05:29pm]
[ mood | drained ]

Step 1: Get your playlist together, put it on random, and play!
Step 2: Pick some lines from the first 10(im changing it to 15 because i feel like it fool!) songs that play!
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from!
Step 4: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly!

1) i am thinking its a sign, that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss theyre perfectly aligned.

2) i tried so hard to tell myself that youre gone, but thought youre still with me, ive been alone all along

3) how much longer will it take to cure this? just to cure it, cause i cant ignore it if its love.

4) i think that you are cool, you are as cool as black ice, i think you are sweet and you are gorgeous, youre so clever and so nice, and i want to have your babies, i want to (wash your plate?) i wanna carry your books to school, i want to bake you a cake, and i want to sing toyou, until i cannot sing no more, and fall asleep with you, and sleep with you, and dream about being exactly where we are

5)what will become of my dear friend? where will he actions lead us then? and thought id like to join the crowd in their enthusiastic cloud, try as i may it doesnt last, and will we ever end up together? no i think not, its never to become, for i am not the one.

6)put on my coat in the pouring rain, i saw a movie it just wasnt the same, cause it was happy, i was sad, and it made me miss you oh so bad

7)im no longer moved to drink strong whiskey, cause I shook the hand of time and I knew that if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs i just don't think I'll ever get over you

8) she tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne and she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the hallelujah

9) suddenly my life doesnt seem such a waste, it all revolves around you. and theres no mountain too high, no river too wide, sing out this song and ill be there by your side. seasons may change, winter to spring, but i love you, until the end of time

10) dont you feed me lies about some idealistic future, your heart wont heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures

11) i am drowning, there is no sign of land, you are coming down with me, hand in unloveable hand, and i hope you die, i hope we both die

12) why does my heart cry? feelings i can't fight, youre free to leave me but just dont decieve me and believe me when i say i love you

13) we can take this weekend drive out past city limits, keep on driving just as far as we can go, we can take this weekend and make it last forever, deal the shackles of our lives a breaking blow. because to run away is victory, a tank of gas is freedom, and a starry night and open road is hope.

14)i picture you in the sun, wondering what went wrong, youve fallen down on your knees, asking for sympathy, and being caught inbetween all you wish for and all you need, i picture you fast asleep, a nightmare comes, you cant keep awake

15) its ok to be scared, you dont have to act tough, just take all that pain and turn it into love

hmmm.. bit of a love them eh?

my job is starting to get to me. i drink coffee every morning. ew.

whoa... i totally didnt even know the olympics were happening this year... apparently they startin like 5 minutes...

17 explosions, fireworks, and tchaikovsky crescendos|the only verdict is vengeance...

hawt dayum [01 Feb 2006|08:40pm]
[ mood | amused ]

for those of you who doubted...Collapse )
oh yea... i used to be hardcore. and no, that picture was not taken in any satirical fashion by any means. completley genuine.

also, ive learnt that depression is cured eased by robin williams stand up and LOTS and LOTS of pizza. and sky high.

p.s. i totally have a job now. MINIMUM WAGE HERE I COME!

p.p.s. i miss/love you

14 explosions, fireworks, and tchaikovsky crescendos|the only verdict is vengeance...

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